Hello online family!
You may have noticed I’ve been missing for some time. I took about a month off from blogging and it is good to be back. It feels good now, but to be very truthful, for some time I had no desire to be online or look at my phone at all. I was reminded of the importance of taking care of me, and solely me. Nothing else in the world really mattered at the time and I really had no choice to attend to my needs. When I sat down to write this post I wondered the best way to explain to you where I have been. I thought about how to convey the experience I had in August without compromising my privacy and the progress I’ve made since its events. This is what I came up with. I know it may be a vague retelling, but it is what I am comfortable with sharing right now.
To be very real, August was hella hard. You know when you think you have it all figured out and then something happens that sends you reeling and you wonder if you’ll be able to come back from it? You wonder how you were ever the person you were before the event. Well, this is the kind of experience I went through. Life sent me on an unimaginable ride and my physical and mental health was put to the test.
After this event happened I wrote on a small black board in my apartment: strength grows in moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway. I wrote this because there were days (the majority of them) when I didn’t want to move on, and frankly didn’t care what would happen to me if I didn’t. I was sinking and didn’t care about swimming to the surface. When thinking about the next day I got scared about the pain I would have to endure and felt if I could just stay asleep I’d be saved.
But I didn’t stay asleep. Each day I awoke and small actions helped get me through. Visits from friends armed with healthy and not so healthy food and a shoulder to cry on, videos of my young niece learning to walk, a friendly warm face in a scary situation I’d never thought I’d find myself in, a corny joke made on my go-to “I am sad and need cheering up” TV show, a comment from a close friend that she is forever inspired by my strength, loyalty & grounding words from a man that forever holds a special place in my heart, generosity from my family and understanding eyes from those who see me at work every day.
I held on to these small acts like gold and continue to search for other nuggets every single day that I can be grateful for. I slowed down and found relief in the moment. That was the only place I felt no pain… in the moment. I allowed myself to take the time I needed before jumping back into real life. I implemented routine to give me structure so I could continue on gently. I went within to feel and process the overwhelming emotion stuck inside me. I sought out health professionals to guide me.
I slowed down and found relief in the moment. That was the only place I felt no pain… in the moment. I allowed myself to take the time I needed before jumping back into real life. I implemented routine to give me structure so I could continue on gently.
Every time I thought I had made it over a hump and got back to me I was brutally reminded that there is no erasing what happened and I need to slow down even more. I’ve learned that this will never leave me, it will always be here, but I have the choice to keep going and use this experience as a way to grow my character. I learned that you never, ever, know what anyone is going through. My sympathy grew for people everywhere I didn’t even know. I was reminded of how lucky I am to live in a country that provides me with free health care. And although I know that it begins and ends with me, I was reminded of how supported I am and how I never am really alone.
I have a vivid memory of laughing for the first time since everything happened. Like a real hardcore laugh. It seemed like such an odd feeling. This is when I knew I’d be okay. I was slowly getting back to me and every day got a little easier. Healing is not finished, I know this. It is ongoing and there is no destination where everything will be like it used to or better than before. That being said, I am a stronger woman and person with new insight on how precious my mental and physical health is. I was gifted with lessons and clarity as to where I need to take my life and how I need to serve others. I am once again ready to share my health knowledge with friends around the globe. Know that I will be doing this in my most genuine and raw way – a way that works for me in hopes of attracting women who value authenticity just as much as me.
Thanks for reading! And thanks for coming back to see what I’ve been up to.